Women's Center

The foundation of the Women's Center and the Cultural Center programs for LGBTQ students is the affirmation of their lives. "Neutrality" is not good enough for the optimal growth of our students as it leads to invisibility. "Tolerance" carries with it an implicit disapproval, a premise that something tolerated is something less than perfect. Instead, a positive and affirming environment is necessary for students to develop healthy self-esteem and to maximize their learning experience at Boise State University.

Allies Defined

Lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender, and questioning individuals (LGBTQ) appreciate and need allies. An ally is defined as an individual who works to end oppression personally and professionally through support and advocacy of an oppressed population (Washington & Evans, 1991). Allies may be prompted to action because they have personal and professional relationships with LGBTQ individuals, or because they are alarmed at the pervasive negative attitudes towards LGBTQ people in a heterosexist society.

Although most allies are heterosexual, it is important to understand that LGBTQ individuals can be allies to themselves by actively supporting the needs of their community. Ally development occurs in stages, a process that can be actively worked on and enhanced.

Ideal Qualities of an Ally

An Ally:

• Has worked to develop an understanding of the concerns and needs of lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender, and questioning students.
• Chooses to align with LGBTQ people and respond to their needs.
• Believes that it is in her/his self-interest to be an ally.
• Is committed to the required personal growth in spite of possible discomfort.
• Takes pride in personal success in responding to homophobia and heterosexism, and in overcoming their personal fears.
• Expects support from other allies.
• Is able to acknowledge and articulate how patterns of fear regarding LGBTQ people have operated in her/his life.
• Expects to make some mistakes, but does not use this expectation as an excuse for inaction.
• Knows that both members in an ally relationship have a clear responsibility for their own response to the oppression, whether or not the other person chooses to respond.
• Knows that in the most empowered ally relationship, the person in the non-oppressed role should initiate the change toward personal, institutional, and societal justice and equality.
• Knows that she/he is responsible for humanizing or empowering his/her role in society, particularly as that role relates to responding to oppression.
• Promotes a sense of community with LGBTQ people and teaches others about the importance of affirmation, inclusion, and outreach.
• Has a good sense of humor.

What You Can Do: Assessing the Risks

(adapted from an article by Arthur Lipkin)

1. Inform yourself about lesbian, bisexual, gay and transgender (LGBTQ) people and about homophobia.
   Low risk actions
   • Learn about LGBTQ history, culture and current concerns by reading books, journals and periodicals.
   Some risk actions
   • Attend LGBTQ film series or lectures.
   • Attend a meeting of an LGBTQ organization.
   • Attend an "allies" meeting (e.g., PFLAG).
   • Have conversations with openly LGBTQ people.
   Greater risk actions
   • Engage your family and friend in discussions of sexual orientation, homophobia, or other LGBTQ issues.
2. Create a safe and equitable classroom
   Low risk actions
   • Change your assumption that everyone is heterosexual unless they tell you otherwise.
   • Use inclusive language that implicitly allows for LGBTQpossibilities (e.g., "parent" rather than "mother" or "father"; "spouse" rather that "wife" or "husband"; "date" rather that "boyfriend" or "girlfriend").
   Some risk actions
   • Challenge homophobic language and name-calling.
   • Put up gay/lesbian-friendly posters, pictures or signs.
   • If you are heterosexual, don't be too quick to inform others of your heterosexuality. Ask what they might think if you told them you were gay or lesbian.
   Greater risk actions
   • Use language that explicitly allows for gay/lesbian possibilities (e.g., "Emily Dickinson and her boyfriend or girlfriend").
3. Create a safe and equitable school
   Low risk actions
   • Be a role model of acceptance.
   • Challenge name-calling and harassment.
   Some risk actions
   • Work to establish policies protecting LGBTQ students from harassment, violence and discrimination.
   • Call for the inclusion of LGBTQ people in diversity presentations.
   • Work to form a gay/straight alliance and/or support group for LGBTQ students.
   • Call for faculty and staff training in LGBTQ youth issues (including crisis intervention and violence prevention).
   • Call for counseling services for LGBTQ youth and their parents.
   Greater risk actions
   • Invite LGBTQ speakers to your school.
   • Join a gay/straight alliance.
   • Solicit the cooperation of LGBTQ alumni/ae in motivating the school to meet the needs of students who have succeeded them.
   • If you are LGBTQ, come out.

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." Andre Gide

"Coming Out" is a term to describe the process of and the extent to which one identifies oneself as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. There are two parts to this process: coming out to oneself and coming out to others. Recognition of one's own sexual identity and working toward self-acceptance are the first steps in coming out and developing a positive understanding of one's orientation. It includes the realization that one is LGBTQ, accepting that fact, and then deciding what to do about it. Focusing on the positive aspects about being LGBTQ as opposed to the discrimination, fears, and myths in our society is necessary for self-acceptance.

One safe means of beginning to come out to oneself is through reading about how others have dealt with similar issues. Hundreds of publications are available on all facets of LGBTQ life, from clinical studies to collections of "coming out" stories. Additionally, there are many wonderful films and documentaries about LGBTQpeople.

After spending some time getting in touch with one's own feelings, the next step often is coming out to others, an experience unique to lesbian, bisexual, gay and transgender people. The decision to come out to another person involves disclosing one's sexual side, which is for the most part viewed as being a private matter. Some are afraid of being rejected, but others worry that their sexual identity will be the overriding focus in future interactions with the other person. However, coming out does not always result in negative consequences. It can develop a sense of relief and a sense of closeness. Other issues to consider are the extent of one's revelation (should everyone know or should disclosure be selective?), the timing of it, and anticipated consequences.

It is usually advisable to come out first to those most likely to be supportive. Other LGBTQ people become a potential natural support system. Within the LGBTQ community, there are a number of helpful resources, some of which are included in the last section Web page.

Perhaps the most difficult step in coming out is revealing oneself to non-LGBTQ people. It is at this time that individuals are most likely to encounter negative consequences. It is important to impress upon students that self-esteem does not depend on the approval of others. If a person is rejecting, the student may want to re-evaluate the nature of that relationship, but in no case is such rejection evidence of a lack of value.

The decision not to come out to others is called "passing." Our culture tends to assume heterosexuality, and persons who do not correct the heterosexual assumption are considered to be "passing" as heterosexuals. College students may believe that passing is preferable in an environment built on heterosexual events. These students usually experience some conflict as they make decisions on when to pass and when to be open, while some live with fear about their secret being revealed. These students may also experience some hostility from those who are open and feel that they are not being honest with themselves or others.

The decision to come out is personal. Taking control of this process includes being aware in advance of potential ramifications and developing a support system to deal with them. Coming out is one way of affirming one's dignity and the dignity of other LGBTQ people.

Coming out to parents is particularly a important, and sometimes stressful, event. Some questions students may consider before coming out to their parents:

1. Are you sure about your sexual orientation?
   Don't raise the issue unless you're able to respond with confidence to the question "Are you sure?" Confusion on your part will increase your parents' confusion and decrease their confidence in your conclusions.


2. Are you comfortable with your sexual orientation?
   If you're wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you'll be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.


3. Do you have support?
   In the event that your parents' reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.


4. Are you knowledgeable about gayness?
   Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic and heterosexist society. If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.


5. What's the emotional climate at home?
   If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they're not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery, or the loss of a job.


6. Can you be patient?
   Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two years. Remember, it took time for you to accept it yourself, and you've already had more time to think about it. It will take them time to get comfortable with it too.


7. What's your motive for coming out now?
   Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.


8. Do you have available resources?
   Sexual orientation is a subject about which most non-LGBTQ people know little. Have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG), or the name of a non-LGBTQ counselor who can deal fairly and supportively with the issue.


9. Are you financially dependent on your parents?
   If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this control over your life.


10. What is your general relationship with your parents?
    If you've gotten along well and have always known their love - and shared your love for them in return - chances are they'll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.


11. What is their moral societal view?
    If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they're evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.


12. Is this your decision?
    Not everyone should come out to their parents. Don't be pressured into it if you're not sure you'll be better off by doing so - no matter what their response.

Counseling is a process in which a nonjudgmental, caring, and trained therapist helps a person arrive at effective solutions to problems or life tasks. While specific methods may vary, most counselors would support the notion that helping involves facilitating an individual's self-exploration, self-understanding, self-acceptance, and self-esteem. Helping a lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender, or questioning (LBGTQ) individual come to value and esteem her or his sexual orientation and gender identity certainly fits into this philosophy. In no way does counseling mean that there is something "wrong" about being who you are. It just may be difficult to figure out in a heterosexist society.

Counseling offers assistance in:

1. Identifying and clarifying issues. Sometimes people who seek counseling are not sure what is wrong, but they know that they are not happy. Counselors are skilled at helping people understand themselves and their feelings. The process of recognizing and understanding gender identity or an LBG sexual orientation often involves a confusing set of thoughts and feelings. Counselors can help an individual clarify and sort through some of the confusion.


2. Identifying, clarifying, and expressing feelings. Often people have difficulty understanding, labeling, and/or expressing feelings. This is particularly true when people are under stress. Feelings can be confusing and may often seem to be out of control. Most counselors are particularly good at helping people handle and understand their feelings.


3. Deciding what to do. Feeling stuck and uncertain is common when people are having difficulty determining alternatives. Usually, there is more than one choice in how to behave. Counselors are adept at helping people uncover and discover options and alternatives. Many LBGTQ individuals benefit from talking to someone about if and when to "come out" to family or friends, and how to do it.


4. Developing and enhancing relationship skills. Building a support system and developing close interpersonal relationships is especially important to most people. Yet there are some individuals who seem to have difficulty getting what they want from a relationship -- whether it is from family, friend, or partner. Dealing with relationships may be a primary focus of counseling and counselors. It is also an essential part of developing a healthy sense of self. Because our society provides few positive opportunities for individuals to observe and learn about same-sex relationships, counseling is one way for people to learn about such relationships in a positive light.

Selecting a Sensitive Counselor

From time to time, some lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender and questioning individuals may avoid seeking help because of the myth that counselors will try to change their sexual orientation (called "reparative" or "conversion" therapy). No evidence exists that counseling can change the sexual orientation of adults. Leading professional organizations for counselors view it as unethical and potentially psychologically damaging to the LGBTQ community.

Selecting a counselor who is sensitive and supportive of an LGBTQsexual orientation is an important first step in seeking help. Directly asking a counselor about her or his feelings and knowledge about lesbian, bisexual, gay, or transgender people, issues, and culture during the first meeting is probably the most expeditious way to determine "fit." However, there are other ways to determine the sensitivity and awareness of a counselor.

For example, other LGBTQindividuals who have been in counseling can suggest the name of a particular counselor. Another possibility is to ask for referrals from organized LGBTQ resource centers in the area. It's even possible at some counseling centers and agencies to call and ask specifically for a counselor who is sensitive to and has experience working with LGBTQpeople.

You may also want to take a look around the waiting area as well as the counselor's office. Are there books or other literature on display that affirm a LGBTQ self-identity? Does the language the counselor uses seem to be sensitive to LGBTQ issues?

Support for Transgender Students

It can take a little extra effort to find fully qualified individuals who work with the complexities of transgender lives. Check with local or national LGBTQcenters and organizations for referrals. Be sure to check these referrals out before deciding to fully engage in therapy. Also, interview potential counselors, and ask about their training on LGBTQ issues and their experience with LGBTQclients.