Women's Center

Relationship violence includes actions or words that cause a person in a relationship with the abuse to feel fear or intimidation. Relationship violence is about a perpetrator having power and control over another person; it is not about a person being "out of control."

Relationship violence does not simply mean physical violence (hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, pushing, punching, or beating); there are many other equally as traumatizing abusive behaviors, such as:

• Verbal Abuse-constant criticism, mocking, yelling, swearing, interrupting, or not responding to what the victim is saying.
• Sexual Violence-forcing sex on an unwilling partner, demanding sexual acts the victim does not want to perform, or degrading treatment.
• Isolation-making it hard for victim to see family/friends, monitoring phone calls, controlling where victim goes, or taking car keys.
• Coercion-making the victim feel guilty, manipulating family members, or making up impossible "rules" and punishing victim for breaking them.
• Harassment-following or stalking, embarrassing victim in public, constantly checking up on victim, or refusing to leave when asked.
• Economic control-refusing to give victim money or giving a small "allowance," not letting the victim work, interfering with the victim's work, or refusing to work.
• Abusing trust-lying, breaking promises, being unfaithful, or being overly jealous.
• Threats and Intimidation-threatening to harm the victim, family members, pets, shouting, or using physical size.
• Emotional Withholding-not expressing feelings, not taking victim's concerns seriously, or not respecting victim's feelings.
• Destruction of Property-destroying furniture, punching walls, breaking dishes, or destroying victim's personal belongings.
• Self-Destructive Behavior-abusing drugs or alcohol, driving recklessly, or threatening suicide or self-harm.

[Source: The Idaho Coalition's publication "It shouldn't hurt to go home."]

Relationship violence is a serious crime, and victimization can cause serious trauma. There is no "normal" response to trauma; however, some common experiences are listed below:

• Isolation
• Loss of friends
• Inability to trust
• Confusion
• Fear, terror
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Feelings of low self worth
• Fear of relationships

If you have recently experienced abuse in a relationship:

• Go to a safe place as soon as possible.
• Consider reporting to the police (call 911).
• Tell someone. Find a friend, counselor, professor, advisor, or other person who understands abusive relationships.
• Keep telling people until you find someone who believes you. Talking about relationship violence or abuse can be uncomfortable. Sometimes the people you tell cannot handle their own feelings when they hear what you say to them. Denial is one way they cope with their feelings of fear, pain, anger, guilt, and remorse. They might tell you that you are exaggerating or that it did not happen. These responses are common for people who do not understand the dynamics of relationship violence. However, you deserve support!
• Make a list of family and friends who could help in an emergency. Carry their phone numbers with you at all times as well as a cell phone, calling card, or change to make a phone call.
• Find out your legal rights. Violence is against the law. No one deserves to be hurt or abused. No one has a right to hurt you.
• Consider visiting the Boise State Women's Center where the Violence and Awareness Response Coordinator (VARC) can offer support, resources, and information about your options. The VARC will not tell you what to do, but will help you explore your options and figure out what works best for you. VARC's Role on Campus
• Consider calling a local 24-hour domestic violence crisis hotline (such as the Women's and Children's Alliance, 343-7025).
• Believe that things can get better. This may be the scariest time of your life, and once you have made a decision to leave an unhealthy or violent relationship, your strength and self-esteem will begin to grow. It is important you have the proper support behind you.
• Seek medical attention immediately if you have any injuries. If you have experienced sexual violence, know that St. Luke's or St. Alphonsus hospitals have special sexual assault units and can test for sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. Sexual assault forensic examinations are available at FACES. If you choose to prosecute the person who hurt you, know that evidence is best collected within 72 hours of the assault. To preserve physical evidence, do not shower or bathe, wash your hands or clothing, change your clothing or bedding, use the toilet, or eat or drink.
• Seek counseling or support.
• Believe in yourself; it is not your fault.

If it has been some time after an abusive incident:

• Know that it is common to experience trauma following an abusive incident. Many people seek support from friends, family, or counselors. Many services are available on campus and in the community, such as a 24-hour domestic violence crisis line operated through the Boise Women's and Children's Alliance (WCA). The hotline assists anyone with concerns and provides referral information (343-7025). You may also call the Boise State Women's Center (426-4259) or Counseling Services (426-1601) during weekday business hours.
• Know that you can always make a report to police at FACES or speak to staff about protection orders or safety planning.
• Take steps to ensure your safety, consider speaking confidentially with the VARC at the Women's Center.
• Join a support group. You will find information, comfort and support from others who understand what you have been going through. Women's Center staff can help you find a group, and the Counseling Center can provide low-cost individual counseling.

If someone is abusing your friends or family members, it is important to respond in a supportive manner. Condemning behavior of an abuser might only make victims feel defensive.

Helpful Actions

• Listen to and believe your friends or family members.
• Understand the seriousness of all forms of abuse.
• Respect your friends or family members' right to make their decisions.
• Thank your friends or family members for sharing this information, and let them know you care about their wellbeing.
• Let them know support is available. Help your friends or family members to identify resources such as the Women's Center, the Counseling Center, the Health Center, the police, the Women's and Children's Alliance, and FACES.
• Offer to accompany them to a place of support.
• Let your friends or family members know the importance of creating a safety plan or obtaining 911 phones.
• Let them know that if the abuser has threatened harm to another person, you may need to report this to the police or campus security.
• Let your friends or family members know that if the abuser has harmed any children or harmed them in the presence of children you may be required to report to the police.

Unhelpful Actions

• Minimizing abuse that is not physical-all forms of abuse can be traumatic.
• Blaming your friends or family members for staying in the relationship-the dynamics of relationship violence are complex and the victim is NEVER at fault for the abuser's behaviors.
• Telling your friends or family members something is wrong with them if they have not left the relationship-this reinforces the abuser's messages of low self-worth.
• Giving advice or pressuring for decisions- your friends or family members knows the dynamics of the abusive relationship best, and they will know what feels safe and what actions may put their life in danger.
• Criticizing the abuser instead of the abuser's behavior-this may cause defensiveness in your friends or family members.

1. Find a safe place as soon as possible. The Women's And Children's Alliance is a local domestic violence shelter in Boise, and Hope's Door is a shelter available in Caldwell, offer case management, counseling, safety planning, and legal advocacy.
2. You may call 911 to report a crime or call Boise State University Security (426-1453).
3. To consult with the VARC and to receive information and resources in a confidential manner, call the Women's Center (426-4259). During weekends or weeknights, you may call the Boise State Security (426-1453) and ask that staff contact the VARC with a message to call you. The VARC can speak with you on the phone to provide options about safety planning, shelter, protection orders, police reporting, medical and counseling services, student conduct options, and a variety of other resources.
4. If you have been injured, it is important to seek immediate attention at a medical provider or an emergency room.
5. To report to the police, it is important to preserve physical evidence of any assault. Incidents may be reported at the Family Advocacy Center and Education Services (FACES). You can also access safety planning assistance, protection order assistance, court advocacy, and information about local shelters and counselors at FACES.
6. If the person who hurt you is a student, you may also file a complaint through the campus judicial proceedings. In that case, Boise State University does not require this type of physical evidence to file a complaint through the Student Conduct Program. The VARC can serve as an advisor in this process.
7. A criminal investigation may occur separate from a judicial proceeding on campus if the person who hurt you is a member of Boise State University.
8. Consider accessing counseling or other support. Many services are available on campus and in the community, such as a 24-hour crisis line operated through the Boise Women's and Children's Alliance (WCA). It's available to respond to students in crisis and provide referral information (343-7025). You may also call the Boise State Women's Center (426-4259) or Counseling Services (426-1601) during weekday business hours.